Hurt People; Hurt people
I have had many losses in life;
However; this experience has felt like the endless bit of my life that will forever mark my future relationships.
The product of our unity; the greatest blessing in my life.
In the 8 years we have shared in partnership and marriage, I have often felt completely defeated.
Held steadfast in faith, I always knew there was something better around the corner.
I cannot begin to explain the raw I feel in my throat when I reminisce and see that glow in his eyes ~ the love of my life. We had endless potential; but we were never a team.
Nothing compares to the ache I have felt on many long nights; terrorized.
Shaking and Burnt out, protecting my son from the wrath of his father.
I have never loved someone so selflessly.
This man's life was a treasure to be envied.
& the culmination of our past leads us to this moment
In the past 8 years I have lost every bit of me you tried to mold,
relationships not to be reckoned with, falling astray.
Today; I am owning my power and affirming this man will never have a grip of my life; ever again.
His successes rode on my broken back.
I was the workhorse; the provider of life.
There was never credit given, no gratitude…
Endless demands.
Before I knew it I was the emotional punching bag; never saying the right thing and taking the relentless abuse of the man that stands before you today.
I could say that I wish him the living hell; he put me through.
But it is in Gods hands now.
I only wish peace in this mans heart.
Our sons birth felt like renewal ; Llena de Esperanza - Full of hope. I envisioned an involved father, learning to love unconditionally. I expected to see a budding relationship, the foundation of our family of 3.
Instead I found negligence, copious lies and schemes, abuse far beyond what I could have imagined.
My mental load carried the weight of our family.
Every detail of my sons care; life activities, language development and engagement. All of his clothes since birth, never a priority of his fathers.
The Load of working a full-time job; in total social isolation…
Working from home with a toddler 5 days a week.
Never able to keep up on house tasks on the weekends.
Never a priority of my husbands.
Watching my parents age from afar,
Too scared to leave; always on edge about what abuse was on the menu for the day — Should I put my needs first.
I missed so many milestones in my friends lives, nearly missed funerals in the interest of staying on my husbands schedule solely to his convenience.
I gave all of me; and neglected myself to ensure family business was handled day in and day out.
My health was never a priority.
My depression thickened day by day like a cold fog seeping into my very soul
;
pleads for support went ignored.
Anxiety left me drained; in a perpetual cycle of fight or flight.
Just trying to survive.
The reason; my son.
IN DARK TIMES THERE ARE ONLY TWO OPTIONS;
GROWTH OR HURT.
TODAY I CHOOSE GROWTH.
HURT PEOPLE- HURT PEOPLE